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June 20, 2005

Scribble, scribble.

Hardly pearls of wisdom on a beautiful necklace, more like flawed bits that were discarded but still linger around, sometimes catching the eye with their glint, sometimes just ignored because they are far from perfect - thoughts from a confused mind.

I get angry sometimes when a well meaning someone points out exactly those faults in me that I do not want to acknowledge myself. The more accurate the observations, the more I deny it and the more annoyed I become. Maybe, it's just another bit of imperfection added to a growing pile that I don't want showcased to a world that has so many almost perfect people.

* * *

Ever wonder how we (I mean the variety of us human beings that tend to get more emotionally affected) have honed the art of mis-communication to perfection? I mean, two rational human beings, capable of logical thoughts and conclusions somehow lead themselves so far down the path of mis-understandings and mis-communications, I wonder how we manage to do that so often?

* * *

Why does my ego present its nasty head just when I don't want it to? I start to say what's on my mind, I intend to praise, to compliment, to speak my heart out and then suddenly I am not really saying what I wanted to say. The words changed during the course of their little journeys from my heart to my mouth.

* * *

Ever notice how the simplest things are the hardest to articulate?
I will miss you
I love you
I do

But then again, the most precious moments are made up of things left unsaid.

So, why do I say things that I just don't mean? Why does a resounding, resolute No escape me when I mean to say Yes ? And then there are times when it's so maddeningly hard to say no when no is all I want to say.

* * *

I feel the more I get to know a person, the more I like him. There's always something interesting, novel about an individual that fascinates me - talent, humour, insight, innocence, intelligence. I also feel every little step I take in getting closer to a person takes me on an unpredictable journey, one of delightful surprises, pleasing interactions, enlightening points of view, disconcerting arguments and the one thing that scares me - expectations. At this point in my journey, a little let-down, a small expectation that is not met and I assume I am falling all the way down, to the bottom. It takes me a while to realize I am not nearly as close to the top as I thought I was and now, I am not at the bottom as I fear I am. I am just hovering somewhere in between, hoping I will climb at a steady pace. After all, every relationship can go two ways and if you are not going up, it means you are going the other way. Maybe I can decide to be satisfied with the comfortable connection that I have established and remain where I am, maybe not.

* * *

I thrive on compliments, well maybe not thrive, but atleast I am thrilled by compliments. But, it's kind of an ungrateful and unsatiable master. Each sincere word of praise is like a pleasure bolt through me and then I sit expecting more, sometimes when there is little reason to expect more.
Oh, well!
* * *
And on a totally different note, it is exactly six months since I started blogging :)

20 comments:

Prabu Karthik said...

There are so many points that look like you are actually talking about me. i guess every person who reads this might feel that way.

i hope you are not depressed or something like that. i sometimes go hammer and tongs when i am truly depressed. Minimum 2 handkerchiefs needed:-)

Subha said...

Hey RS,
Absolutely relate to somethings you've said.
"I get angry sometimes when a well meaning someone points out exactly those faults in me that I do not want to acknowledge myself."

I've learnt (or at least think I have) to listen to people who are worthy of respect...:)

"I start to say what's on my mind, I intend to praise, to compliment, to speak my heart out and then suddenly I am not really saying what I wanted to say"

True! Words of praise, especially to those close to me, are very, very hard to come by from me! For some reason, I find it easier praising a relative stranger than someone I know. I am trying to change.. :)

Anonymous said...

U r invisible today??? May be physically but not mentally...everybody must be cracking their heads to give u a nice and sincere compliment...wait for comments from others...:)...I guess a. noname moose must be busy thinking some poems now...

If somebody tagged me for books I would have said I read only 'Pieces of life'...:).

KP.

Anonymous said...

Mmm...I guess 'Thinking' & 'Doing' are two very different actions that bring very different outcomes..

RS said...

To P~K: Nope, not depressed, introspective maybe, but thanks :)

To Subha: Glad to have company!

To KP: Cute :) I guess my point is not to receive more compliments just to expect less :) and thanks :)

To a no nymous (right?): If I may suggest this - how about posting some of your poems (verses) on your blog?

ioiio said...

onnu theriyaradhu..

romba yosikkarey

RTD2 said...

Hey..the only ppl who can afford to look forward to compliments are the ones who deserve them :) So keep looking forward to them..no harm done.

IBH said...

"It takes me a while to realize I am not nearly as close to the top as I thought I was and now, I am not at the bottom as I fear I am."

Sometimes in my life i have had this feeling....ur narration is just too good...u deserve compliments for ur writing and yeah! u are rite to thrive too :)

RS said...

To ioiio: Umm...welcome :)

To rtd2: :)

To ibh: Thanks!

dinesh said...

"I get angry sometimes when a well meaning someone points out exactly those faults in me that I do not want to acknowledge myself. The more accurate the observations, the more I deny it and the more annoyed I get"

How true ! Has happened to me as well.

"Ever notice how the simplest things are the hardest to articulate?
I will miss you
I love you
I do"

Yes. Some people are naturaly bad at this. Like me for instance. It takes an effort to acknowledge it myself. Leave alone convey it ! Blessed are those that are good at this.

BUS said...

"When a well meaning someone points ... "...I think this is because of the liberty you have allowed that person to have. The liberty to criticize you, make you a better person. Everybody has faced this situation.

"Maybe, it's just another bit of imperfection added to a growing pile that I don't want showcased to a world"

but I think it is already showcased and this person is only one among the few who has the liberty and courage to tell you about it.

Of course, anger is the first reaction but hopefully it is not the last.

---------

"I feel the more I get to know a person, the more I like him".

Is this because we tend to ignore the bad aspects or we never get to know people we dont like?

I think it is the latter.

RS said...

To Dinesh: we do agree sometimes? :) jk!

To Bus: well said!

------------

I think it's because we don't see the bad in them; a fresh face is always refreshing, whether he remains an acquaintance or becomes something more depends on whether we learn to accept the not-so-good in them, ignore it or throw it back at them, as we get to know them better!

Sriram C S said...

It is the most crooked of trees that turn out to be most beautiful...we are not here to be all straight and perfect but to be beautiful!! And as they say, one is loved not because of what one is but in spite of what one is!!

Prabu Karthik said...

happy blogging semi-anniversary.

ippo enna sollradhu?
vetrikaramaana 200 vadhu nalai nokki
http://mosakutty.blogspot.com

RS said...

To agnibarathi: a poet speaks :) lovely.

To P~K: Thanks!

virumandi said...

'love you' solli vittalum

'miss you' solli vittalum

'i do' solli vittalum

solli irrukeeraenn..manadhirkul!!!???

RS said...

To virumandi: welcome back :)

Anonymous said...

pearls of wisdom indeed....the most difficult things to observe are the most suble things... you have started observing and answers should follow soon
remember, perfection is a mapping of ones own expectations to reality...so no one is perfect or imperfect
this has whet my appetite and look fwd to more of your posts

RS said...

To Anonymous: I hope the answers follow soon...Thanks!

Sivani said...

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so you know what I think of your blogs since I paste half their content on my own :-)

(OK, so I exaggerate a little....)

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