Living in the Bay Are -- 2 (On cliches and more)

I don't really have any earth shaking observations about life here except that the cliches we hear about the bay area are mostly true!

Buying house here is crazy! A million is not sufficient to buy a simple 3 Bedroom/2 Bath house in a good school district in Santa Clara county (Palo Alto, Los Altos, Mountain View). This translates to a house that is about 200k - 300k in Alpharetta or even lower in Lexington. A recent townhome with a bedroom and a bath on each of the 3 levels sold for 1.275 million in cash. Stop and think about that for a second. IN CASH! So yeah, the cliche about housing in the bay area is true.

The house care/nanny situation also is pretty terrible. We had a baby sitter who was great in Lexington for $7/hr -- a high school student who made Rads toe the line but while doing fun stuff with her. Here, for $14/hr, you might get a baby sitter/house keeper who will last a full two months if you are really lucky.

Everyone talks about how finding a Carnatic music teacher or a dance teacher here would be simple given the desi population here. Well, that's one cliche that's not true. I have seen 3 teachers already and each did not work out for various reasons. I also thought none of them matched the quality/price of the teacher Radhika had in Alpharetta. The search continues.

The tech scene here is really that awesome. Perks are excellent and sometimes, you really wake wondering if it is all a dream.

The weather is great but I'll wait till winter to confirm that :)

More people time. Be it family, friends that live here locally or visit the bay area, there is never a dearth of hanging out with folks. The loneliness that I experienced in Alpharetta does not exist here.

Definitely more things to do. There are so many days when I have googled and found nothing to do with kids on a given day without driving an hour out in both Lex and Alpharetta. That is definitely not the case here. Plenty of child friendly outdoor and indoor things to do and I don't have to drive to SFO to find them!

I feel like there is much less down time in the bay area but can't place my finger on whether the perception is due to a lack of sleep, 2 kids or something else. Stay tuned for life in the bay area updates!

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Breaking out of the bubble (for moms).

So, I survived the first 6 weeks and survived a major abdominal surgery. You don't normally equate a c-section with major surgery but after reading up about it, I am convinced it is. Compared to the nightmare that was my first (non-surgery) delivery recovery, this one seems better but I guess if things had gone wrong with the surgery, it could have gone terribly wrong.

The bubble thing. The first six weeks after r~ was born, I was in a haze. I continued to be in a haze even three months after she was born. I just didn't feel quite right (which later I discovered was my thyroid levels acting up). But thyroid levels being off or not, the first six weeks after delivery, you live in a bubble. In my case, I kept hanging on tight to different mementos, places, things at different times during those six weeks. The first thing I held on to as a security object for a few days was this pair of socks -- they gave it to me at the hospital just before the surgery...



The five days in the hospital this time were mainly about little milestones, little victories for me. Last time, it was quite the bollywood drama -- I asked to go home after third degree tears, hemorrhage and the doctor said he would stamp an AMA (against medical advice) on my forms if I did that! 3 days of labor, attempt to birth at home etc etc. Long story that. This time, everything was planned and felt a bit unreal. k actually had a real hospital bag ready (last time, after my last bit of strength with home birthing and labor had drained off, I picked up a kroger bag, stuffed a few nighties in it and insisted we rush to the hospital with that). This time around, we had taken a real hospital tour, pre-registered, all that good stuff.

After a 'regular' delivery, delivering a baby by c-section was...different. I almost missed laboring (or perhaps that was my hormonal imbalance speaking to me). I missed the challenge of kicking labor in its *-- and knowing that I have the strength to push the baby out. I have read that labor pains is one of the worst forms of pain that a human being can endure. So, coming out of it alive seemed like winning something. I was thrilled to see baby m~ and wondered in a drug-induced haze if I should make another one of these wonderful little things but I hadn't pushed the baby out. I felt a little tugging and there she was! The post 'delivery' part of this pregnancy though was as miraculous as the first time :)

That's the surgery part of it. Then came the 5 day period where I had to kick a different *-- i,e surgery recovery :p I decided to stop and make a little mental note every time I crossed a milestone -- getting up to walk (12 hours after surgery), getting off the epidural, using the rest room for the first time, walking out of the hospital room for the first time, everything was a struggle and a small win. After 5 days, I almost felt scared to leave the hospital like I was leaving a safe bubble to go to the outside world. I guess the hospital room and nurses had become my second security blanket. I held on to little things like the warm water and apple juice k would give me in the hospital room -- each was a source of comfort that it was going to be ok.

At home, I looked forward to the huge scoops of nei that I know my mom would have had ready for me. I remembered the taste from my last time and somehow even that helped me recover -- the familiar tastes and smells of home, and settle down to a more normal routine at home. I shed a few tears for not being able to spend enough time with dear big sister r~. Our lives used to revolve around her constantly and now I wasn't able to shower her with the amount of attention I was accustomed to giving her. And the fact that she was so excited about her lil' sister and had not a jealous bone in her body only made me feel sadder somehow. I am back to doing activities and crafts with her (and sitting on the floor!) and am glad for that...it's always the small things that catch you unprepared.

What's the big deal, you ask? Everyone has or knows someone who has gone through a c-section (or a regular delivery for that matter). True, that. But, I thought I'd write a little about what it feels like to actually go through it and emerge out into the sunlight. I am still seeing through tinted glasses, still standing with one leg somewhat inside the bubble but I know I will step out eventually like I did last time.

Here's to all the moms who make the journey! It's not an easy one :)

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A new life.

I guess giving birth is like being reborn. I am trying to recall what I used to write about here. Whoever said having two kids is not too different from having one either has only one kid or is delusional with lack of sleep. Say hi everyone to baby m~!

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As it was with r~, measuring time with little milestones -- first time I could walk after surgery, first time she smiled (gas or no gas), first time I wore something nice after the delivery, first time k and I watched a TV show after delivery...every little thing is a milestone, a small celebration that we survived and are bravely marching along :)

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Weird what thoughts float through our heads those first few moments, minutes, days after the baby is born -- when I heard her cry the first time and saw her for the first time, I thought, 'Gosh! I could do this again. Maybe we should have another kid!'

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Didn't realize I would spend so much time worrying if I am giving r~ enough attention. I assumed most of my energy would be spent taking care of baby m~. Boy! Was I wrong! Half the time, I am screaming at r~ (who is a big girl now, all of 4 years old) to not touch m~'s hands because she hasn't sanitized her hands yet and has a runny nose and is just back from school (which we all know is there to spread germs and education). The other half of the time, I am tiring myself physically doing crafts with her to make up for all the time am not spending with her and to make up for my guilt for the earlier screaming session. The first few days after I was home, my baby blues (tears) were mostly about r~...didn't expect that.

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Thank God for supportive husbands.

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And supportive moms.

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I am so happy I sent chocolate covered berries and a sweet card to the hospital staff. I love thank you cards and birthday cards and miss you cards...you get the picture. No wonder I love thanksgiving speaking of which, this card r~ made at school was touching:

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After all the drama of home birthing, 3 day labor, ER visit and blood loss last time with my delivery, this time was almost a non-event. Felt unreal to not go through labor and give birth. I missed laboring -- something empowering about beating it and coming out of it alive (and now I have officially lost it, I guess).

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Addicted to Parenthood.

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1 year of no TV and still counting.

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r~ is mischievous to a point where we get complaints from her school teachers about her naughtiness. Always embarrassing to get lectured about your kid; thought we were done with being lectured when I graduated from college.

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Is anyone still reading this blog? Hellooo?

---:)---

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On moving and settling down.

So, we moved to Alpharetta almost 9 months back. We have gone through excitement, boredom, denial, almost-feels-like-home, jeez-we-have-no-friends...and many more phases representing a range from emotions from the totally anticipated to the entirely unexpected. I thought I should note down how I feel now and revisit after a period of time to see if anything has changed.

The first 3 months: were about saying good bye, nostalgia, remnant excitement from arangetram and from quitting IBM and moving on to a better job, adrenalin mixed with exhaustion from the move and the staying in a motel and the move again to an apartment.


The biggie was getting r~ settled into a preschool. I was definitely more apprehensive about that than my first day of work. The initial months were about figuring out where to get food (What is a Publix?!), where are the Indian grocery stores (we get chat here, paav bhaji with Tamil movie songs playing in the background!), beauty parlor (right next to HotBreads, now renamed Cake World) where I don't go any longer -- that's a long story, where to get clothes (there is a carousel in the mall and cup cakes and a train!) -- this we had to figure out as soon as we realized r's school required uniforms (was I back in Chennai?) Around this time, I met my friend from Bits, Pilani, A~ who filled in the gaps for me. An Indian co-worker of mine gave me the inside info about restaurants in the area and such. 


During this time, we went to Atlanta almost every weekend and tried to get a feel for the city (if we weren't in Atlanta, we were in Lex!) We didn't have any friends to speak of, so might as well get to know the city, right? We were regulars at the Children's museum (rocks!), Chatpati and related Indian restaurants in the area. We checked out the puppetry center for arts, an art studio for kids, a farm with animals to pet + a bonus art class...


r~ celebrated her first birthday in school (with Simba)!


There was not much time to think. The moving was done but the momentum didn't slow down...yet.

My artist at Purple Hippo Art Studio

Simba and Nala chilling out at our apartment!

The next 3 months: r~ was well-settled in school and I, at work. k was all set with his home office. Our trips to Atlanta had slowed down and we had info about all the essential services we needed. We continued exploring, went on a wild animal safari...That's when it usually begins right? The urge to change things just when everything seemed to touch a semblance of sanity. We started discovering small annoyances with the apartment -- the dish washer coughed up black gook every now and then (the apartment service folks rocked though), we were lucky to get a ground-floor apartment with an attached garage but there was hardly any sunlight in the living room -- and I thought I was running away from minor-SAD-symptoms in Lex. The reduction in living space didn't make much of a difference (surprisingly) and I loved the single-level layout but I felt the need to decorate the apartment so it was more home-like. We had friends visiting us from Lex and that was fun but we missed 'hanging out' -- something that k and I had an insatiable appetite for, in Lex. I got to know my office colleagues better and A~ better, attended a bunch of school birthday parties with r~ (where I, like my daughter, did not manage to make any new friends). I got to know the pani-puri aunty well ( we were there almost twice a week). 


r~ decided to join a paatu class -- my little girl was taking her own decisions! Another friend from Bits, also A~, told me about a bal vikas class that r~ might enjoy. So, we took r~ to Atlanta every Sunday for the class. She refused to stay alone in class which meant managing her for 2-3 hours without hopefully too many embarrassing moments. By the time, we ate and came back, it was 4-5 hours taken from our Sundays -- which was a nice way to spend Sundays since there wasn't much else to do anyways except house hunting! Around this time, I decided we had to buy a house and so the rest of the weekends and a considerable part of our work lunch time was spent looking at ranch houses. We needed a single level home, close to work and close to school, at least 3 BR and in reasonable condition. Turns out, that was not easy to find because not many people built ranch houses nowadays! Finally, we did find one soon after we decided to take a break from house hunting :)

Wild Animal Safari

And that brings us to now: we moved yet again, celebrated the new year and my birthday. I was at home, at work -- you know what I mean. r~ was at home at school. k~, well, he is at home, at work, anyways :) We talked a  bit about r2i and m2b (move to bay area :p) but decided we needed against it for the next few years. I liked my work and r~ liked her school. The place was definitely more happening and had access to a lot of fun things to do, the weather was better...so what's the catch, you ask? Friends, of course. Making friends, when you are no longer studying somewhere, it turns out, is hard. We met people we could hang out with but that's different from hanging out with close friends...


k's parents are here to visit us and that always helps w.r.t home sickness (where is home anyway? India, Lex, here?) We finally joined the local library and I felt like I could breathe a little bit easier -- felt like a missing puzzle piece fell in place. We went to a neat build your own car class at Home Depot..met a few more people, who could potentially become friends, and felt better. k, though, misses friends at Lex, the swing in our backyard, the sand box he built for r~...


We went without TV for 8 months and hardly noticed the difference, we bought a TV and then returned it, bought another and returned it and are now TV less again and surprisingly still not missing it but I think this time, we will buy a TV and not return it.


r~ made some almost-real friends, I saw her initiate and ask questions to her teacher (by herself! Huge deal...for me), today she asked me if she could go to school (either she likes school or k and I have become boring versions of ourselves here!)...


And we are back to spending inordinate amounts of time about trivial enhancements to the house -- which means, we are almost home...


Time will tell.

@Home Depot -- that week's show & tell for school!

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Me-time.

So the days when r~ decides to skip her nap and go to sleep early (weekends), it's like we earned ourselves a few hours in which to relax and do nothing. Time to myself. Read a book, eat ice-cream, watch a movie, do nothing. But, usually these two me-time hours turn out to be more stressful for me than not having them because all the time I spend doing something in those 2 hours, I constantly tell myself, it's my precious me-time and I better make the best use of it! And then, I think of all the other things I can be doing in these hours and that list of course is endless eventually making me more stressed than if I just went to bed and slept with r~.

As soon as I hear her little snores, my thought process is something like this:

Check time. 8.15. Good. Lots of time to do stuff.
What first?
3 books am in the middle of...haven't  blogged in ages...that JavaScript article that I have been meaning to listen to...oh! New episode of BigBangTheory...clean house...
Feel a bit rushed. I reach out to my computer without having decided what to do.
Land on fb and twitter.
9.45?! How did this happen?
Hurriedly reach out to book and flip pages without focusing.
15 minutes later, remember something to buy from Amazon.
Back on the computer.
Blog done.
11.30? Have to sleep early, work tomorrow.
Recheck twitter account. Also linkedIn and pinterest.
12.00 -- thinking I will be so annoyed tomorrow with less sleep.
Stress about books not read and remaining blogs left undone.
House same mess as found 2 hours earlier.

Next time, I can do without these 2 hours. And come to think of it, without the internet!

Got to do yoga. One more item to add to my me-time list. Great.

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A for Awkward...

So there are quite a few things you can learn from kiddo birthday parties. One of them is how to deal with new situations and new people -- you can always run to the center and shout really loud. Everyone enjoys that and if you think about it, it is fun to do that. Only, you can't really do that if you are an adult even though it  breaks the ice and acts as a tension release mechanism. Or you can start jumping. That could be fun too. You can just go hopping from one new person to another or just hop to a beat in your head by yourself. Again, not an option for me. The third easy option is to partially hide your face behind your mom or dad and peek at the new folks standing in a comfortably close circle at a distance. Practical difficulties with this third option for me.
Another option (my favorite) is to start dancing, as demonstrated below. A long shot but this one's worth a try.

Anyway with all my fun options taken away, I get to deal with new people and situations the adult way i.e. by being awkward. The initial meeting is never awkward especially when you meet people in a new place through your kid's activities -- school, birthday parties and so on because that is when you just head randomly to a person or a set of people and introduce yourself as so and so's mom. Or you could stand in the middle of the room and just smile at everyone and some kind soul will usually head towards you and ask if you are so and so's mom.

But, what happens after that? When you meet all these people again at a similar gathering, what then? You have run out of "I am so and so's mom. You are so and so's mom?" stage. So now the onus is on you to say something interesting and meaningful while wondering if you can recognize your kid amongst the 20 other little ones running and jumping everywhere around you. Yes, I could always make small conversation and talk about the weather or something but I don't do small talk well. I know logically, that's how one ought to begin to build relationships. You can't talk philosophy and books and passions to a random person before they know you as more than so and so's mom...I can see how that would go.

"Hey, you are r's mom right?"


"Yes but I'd rather discuss the latest book you read or I read or we could talk what you are really passionate about...what are your thoughts on r2i, bharatanatyam, organic food...oh...you have to go? Right now? Ok."


The other issue is when we try to interact as adults while managing kids, we fall into what I call the-half-attention syndrome. This gets better as the kids get older but still...it's like half our brain is focusing on the conversation with the adult while the other half is wondering why your 3 year old is licking that germ-infested bouncy contraption and giving you that look that says, "I dare you to react to this in this public gathering". The nice thing about the half-attention-syndrome with friends is you both know each other well enough to carry out a meaningful conversation with half finished sentences...

"Hey, did you read 'The help'? The movie didn't really...stop chewing on that thing! (that thing = a USB drive)...do justice to the...right now or no cake for you ever...but that other movie was a good adaptation, you know which one...no, not my iphone...we should go to that new organic cafe...no, no lollypop because it has chemicals...how's your brother's marriage coming along...yes, even if it's pink, it's bad, kannu...no! don't throw it there!..."

Yup. Can't do that with new folks. I notice with new folks, it is a more contained half-attention-syndrome.

"Yes, we should definitely meet to set up a...excuse me, I need to..." pointing to your red faced bawling kid because another kid would not share the ball while 3 other balls are lying unnoticed on the floor.

But, I like to believe I am getting better at this plus if your spouse accompanies you to these get-togethers (thank you, k), you can actually get past the weather talk, which I did with a few folks here.

I am still awkward. I still tend to chatter to fill up voids but I am getting better at 'awkward'. I still would prefer a "Tu meri chamak chalo" routine instead...

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The way I am.

So in my family, we have this term "AKS". I am not really sure who came up with the acronym but it stands for "Aala kandaa samudram" and it denotes the trait in some people that makes them dance to the tunes of someone. The someone can be someone we met by chance or a visitor or a relative dropping by for the evening. If you are an AKS, in a few minutes, you would act as if your world only comprised of this new person and their every wish is your command.

In Bits slang (actually, it is a pretty common slang), we had a "sort of an" equivalent -- Kadalai. A senior once explained the difference between talking and kadalai. If you cut classes for your "talk", it's kadalai. If you forgot to say hi to your friend walking past you, it's kadalai. If you just skipped dinner at Meera bhavan for the talk, it's kadalai. Or if you came running back to the bhavan to make it just in time for the 11 PM curfew or stood there begging the watchman to let you in without signing, yup, definitely kadalai! Anyway, AKS is sort of kadalai but platonic in nature.

An extension to being an AKS is being someone who wants people around all the time and I firmly belong to this extended circle. Sometimes, I think I should return back to India to see if I feel more comfortable just hearing people around me...but that's another story.

Once k (unfairly, if you ask me) blamed me for making him overly people-wanting just like me. He doesn't get why there are certain things that I just won't do alone (and I tell him, (wo)man is a social being, the last I checked -- not just virtually social!) like eating alone.

Now that we are on the topic of eating, it demands its own paragraph! The standard rule in our house is that dinner is a family affair. Everyone needs to be at the dining table, books and tech-toys put away, the idea being that dinner-time is a congenial, healthy together time where we eat leisurely in peace and share some food and laughter. In reality, it turns out to be a time when k or I make up ludicrous stories to keep r~ from pouring the sambhar on herself or warning her for the 98th time that she or Simba will get timeout if she insists on washing her face with apple juice but you get the point.

Going back to the eating alone bit. I don't think men are made to eat alone. Eating is what I call a together activity like going to a coffee shop or cooking. In the case of cooking, I make an exception -- I either cook while on the phone or like cooking with k. He doesn't think that's a great idea. He likes having the kitchen completely to himself when he cooks (like a King (who cooks) or a Chef)!

(Reminds me of how girls always go to the rest room together while I haven't heard a man ask another if he wants to use the rest room -- k especially doesn't get this.)

I don't like watching movies alone. I don't even know why that is because you are focusing on the screen not on the other person but that's the way its wired in my brain.

I don't like walking into a new place (work is fine but if its to socialize then it's not) alone.

I don't like staying home or staying anywhere else alone with baby. It's ok if the other adult is just staring at the ipad or reading a book, it matters. Coming to books, that's probably one of the few things I don't mind doing alone.

Basically the "together" list gets pretty long and sometimes I wonder if its the AKS in me that wants to share the activity with someone else or if there are other women out there who are like me. I don't think its growing up in India that's the reason for this umm...trait because k is perfectly fine doing his thing in his space, alone (with his ipad). It's not one of those psychological single child etc thing either because I grew up with l~ and my parents spent a lot of (if not all) their time focusing on their kids...I guess its just the way I am :)

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Just...thoughts.

Once in a while, I scramble to organize my thoughts into a meaningful post and those times, I just find it easier to write down a list of random thoughts and questions from my head because then, they have had their moment of 'notice' and then they can exit gracefully or stay behind for more conversation. So, here goes:

அ I am always caught by surprise by people who don't tend to be as inclusive as I am. I am using the term 'inclusive' very loosely here to mean including all kinds of people (no, not talking about racial bias here). If I were arranging a get-together at home and an acquaintance showed even a little bit of interest, I would have already handed out the invitation to her -- to me, the more the merrier is true in most cases. But, a lot of people, I am learning, tend to be cautious inviting people into their groups. I don't know if it has to do with insecurity or a basic lack of interest in reaching out to new people or just plain laziness. Perhaps there are other reasons -- I don't know because I can't read their minds. All I see is the wall.

ஆ And continuing the same thought, I can't think highly of people who don't have the courtesy to respond to my time with theirs. If I send you an email (nope, not talking about a forwarded joke sent to a group of 80 people), I expect you to show me the courtesy of a response. If you can't spend the few minutes it takes to respond to my email, phone call or invitation (nope, not talking about edge cases and personal crises here), then I don't really have time to be your friend.

இ If you notice people carefully, you can at least get the gist of what's going on in their heads, sometimes :p The other day, I was at r~'s school talking to her teacher. She smiled and talked and smiled and talked for about 15 minutes and it was almost time for us (the parents) to leave when I mentioned I had a few questions to ask. And then I watched the smile slowly recede from the corners of her face to somewhere midway and it stood there frozen. She didn't really have time for questions, it said. And she says, "Yes, sure" and I try to speak through the disconnect staring me at my face. Has that ever happened to you?

ஈ I feel like doing a million things at once. Even as I am doing a few of the million things, I think of a few more things to do to make sure it says an even million.

உI cut my hair shorter thinking it will be lesser work and maintenance. It's more. Now, I get to spend 5 minutes straightening the fuzzy ball of hair that surrounds my face, no gravity to pull it down (always wondering if I will end up like Joe from Little Women). And before you know it, I'll be one of those women spending 15 minutes every morning wearing makeup. Ha! Caught you -- that never happening!

ஊ I read a beautiful book yesterday -- The help by Kathryn Stockett Glad to have read a book that made me cry. How can you be glad at something that makes you cry?

எ Earlier, I missed India. Now, I miss India and my friends in Lex. Does that mean I miss India less since some of my 'missing' quota is taken up by Lex? I don't really miss anything else about Lex and I would really miss the food and the events in Atlanta if I were to move back, does that mean  I should subtract some from my overall 'missing' quota? Can there be a quota for 'missing'? Does it become 0? Ever?

ஏ There was this girl I know who teased me with this boy I know and then married that boy. Is that weird? I have always thought that was a weird thing to do. Maybe all the teasing made her realize she would rather be the teasee than the teaser.

ஐ And talking about that girl reminds me of how I cannot be comfortable in the presence of some people. Usually these are the people k terms, 'street-smart'. But, he claims he is 'street-smart'. Either he isn't or my tolerance has improved. I doubt it's the latter. Sometimes, I think 'street-smart' has 'cunning' and 'suspicious' for siblings.

ஒ And being suspicious of people's intentions all the time makes me exhausted. I have always taken people's statements as true and well-intentioned. Double guessing their intentions is not something I like to do. I am told I need to do that to be 'street-smart'. Yeah, I think I'll just stay naive. Thank you.

ஓ What happened to good comedy in Tamil movies? You know, like the Kadhai scene in Kadhalikka Neramillai or 'Rasam vechaa porum' by Nagesh in Galaata Kalyanam?

ஔ If you work in India, can you have garam chai at 4 PM and a samosa or two?

ஃ Ok, I need that garam chai now. Heading home. Have a good day, dear reader!

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On architecting...life

I am a planner. I plan parties, get-togethers, gifts and just about everything and put in a lot of energy and time into it. I like doing that. I liked planning and preparing for the arangetram, the job change, the city change...the life change. But sometimes, I feel like I should take a break and just experience life the way it is. Without the looking ahead and the constant churning to shape the future course of events.

K often points out that even before he has completed a chore, I am on to the next one, planning what needs to be completed next. And he is right. I am uncomfortable being complacent. I understand complacency is different from being at peace and I can do the latter without bringing in stagnation in my life. But, I find it hard to draw a line between the two. Sometimes, I have to consciously tell myself to enjoy this moment, this point in space that I am at, that I seemingly architected but probably had more to do with powers higher than me and words difficult to comprehend like destiny and the universe. But, I like to think I had something to do with it because it makes me feel a little bit more secure in this world of uncertainties.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I can pretend to choreograph a part of it to my liking because well, that is all I can do. If that pretense of control leaves my hand, then I am vulnerable and I don't necessarily want that realization dawning bright and clear on me -- as long as it's somewhere in the back of my mind, that's fine and I can continue to plan and architect my life. In little ways that are important to me. Now, if only I can add the taking-a-few-minutes-to-smell-the-flowers bit...

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On long weekends.

If you are in the US, you know that long weekends are a big deal. An extra holiday means a lot to 9-to-5ers. People start talking about it right at the beginning of the work week and conversations always include questions on "the long weekend plan". The plan, that's the next big deal. If you know me well, you also know that I love to plan -- for today, for tomorrow, for the next 5 years, for myself, for k, for r and so on. So, that's 2 things that I like -- an extra holiday and planning. Somehow, add it together and it doesn't always get me as excited as one would logically assume it would.

After more than a decade here, I am always a little bit apprehensive about long weekend planning. Do we drive 6 hours (Arrrrrrg!) and spend loads of money to get super tired at some nerve-wracking amusement park with scary rides? Or we can drive 7 hours (Arrrrrrrrrg!) and get even more tired after a day spent trekking and camping. Now, truth be told, I haven't done much of either and it's not that I am not a nature-type-of-girl (I guess I am not) but when I have a precious extra day, I don't want to plan business into it. I want to plan nothing for that day. Actually I'd rather "not plan" because in this day and age, "plan to do nothing" has its own connotations like no-technology, no-TV and more such nos that we impose on our selves to prove that we can be happier by taking fun stuff out of our lives -- its all about not being dependent, including being dependent on being happy, if that makes sense.

So usually, I feel a sense of being in a race when the long weekend approaches -- like I am lagging behind if all I want to do is sit at home and do nothing (which actually amounts to quite a bit if you have a 2 year old, so, you might as well head out, but that's another story) . For me, doing nothing is fun. Sure, traveling the world sounds like a great eat-pray-love kind of thing to do but usually am not in the mind frame for that! Sometimes, I just want to organize my house more, sometimes, I just want to watch a movie or act silly with r or my favorite (you know, do nothing) which gets like a C rating if say, traveling the world is A+. Add to this the fact that k is a traveling-the-world kind of guy and you can literally see me wishing the extra day away but for the fact that the day has so much potential :p

On a related note, I wonder why long weekends were never such a big deal (or come to think of it, even a deal) in India? Is that because we had many other exciting holidays to look forward to which weren't termed long weekend but in essence and were actually significant for a lot more reasons than just an extra day off? Or was it because I never had to work in India and hence have no recollection of workdays and time off work?

So go on, ask me. I don't have a plan for the long weekend. No, I won't drive. No, I don't want to walk 3 miles and climb 2 miles to see the most breathtaking waterfall there ever is in this universe. No, I don't want to not check FB and twitter (am sure there will be a day when I will impose these rules on my family, this weekend is not it!) I just want my extra day to be just that -- a sweet 24 hours where I don't have to do anything or nothing. I can be in the land of the peaches and the onions and smell the roses or not. Maybe I will open an account at our local library and check a to do or maybe we will continue watching 180 (which seems like a good Tamil movie so far). Or not.

(I guess I just need a break after the interviews and the arangetram and the move and the new job but I stand by what I said -- no long weekend plans! There, I said it.).

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The wall.

I wonder if people read blogs anymore. In this time of status updates and millisecond micro updates aka tweets, do people have the patience to read personal blogs anymore? I ask because there was a time when I used to read blogs and the only blogs I seem to be reading now are technical ones. Instead, I log onto Facebook and stare at my wall. Now, the wall is many things at once. It's sort of a buzzing microcosm of lives (reminds me of Michael Crichton's 'Prey'). Much like Jack's beanstalk, there is no limit to its growth. If you run out of new status updates to read, you can always go back in history and read what people thought two days back (If explained to someone a decade back, they might have questioned the very sanity of why one would do that). And here we are, trying to cling on to the wall while at the same time peering over our shoulders to stare at the drama unfolding elsewhere on the wall.

    meets :) 

I guess in a way, our virtual life has brought us back full circle. Man was and will always be a social animal. Perhaps earlier, he dropped by a neighbour's house to catch up on the little town gossip and lives of others and later; he dialed a bunch of numbers to do the same over the phone. He then progressed to chatting and developed a whole new language to do that. And now, he has multiple ways to share his life with all those people. Which is fun, come to think of it. Who doesn't like talking about themselves? And now, I can share my thoughts on my wall or tweet them and I have the satisfaction that I have sent me 2 cents out to the world at large to ponder upon.

This new way of virtual living raises some interesting questions. How does a person maintain a sense of mystery about him (assuming he wants to)? A friend of mine has not gotten herself a Facebook account. Still (I know!). She considers it a waste of time. Hmm, can't say I entirely agree with her. I follow technical pages on Facebook and I find a lot of useful information there. Even my workplace holds virtual conversations on Facebook! So, back to the mystery question. FB is addictive, we all know that but it also sorts of blurs boundaries that earlier existed in traditional settings. Take our workplace, for example. My colleagues are my facebook friends and know that r~ made a bookmark in the Morris book shop last Saturday, for example. And that little bit of info, somehow changes their perception of me. I am not sure if that's a good thing or not. It makes people seem more human -- all these random bits of trivia about them...

There's the whole long tail argument. If I were a salwaar-kameez clad, modern but tom-boyish teenage girl who likes languages but hates Math and also likes Savannah from Savannah, I might just find someone just like that on FB and then we can start a fan page with an uncommonly long name :)

And then, there's the whole twitching-fingers syndrome -- the urge to constantly stay up to date on the happenings of the wall. I wonder if the constant (albeit) slight adrenaline rush when we are privy to a new information bit will make our normal life seem a tad more boring? Nothing is happening every second of the day (except maybe your 2 year old let water flow from the sink to all the restroom shelves and let them soak the soft bathroom mats...oh! Long story!). And then, there was this article I read recently about how FB actually makes people sadder because they keep comparing themselves (some unconsciously) to the happy pictures and delightful wall updates and thinking their own lives don't match up (which is unrealistic, no one leads lives smiling with their face smushed to their lovely child's cheek all the time -- the next second, the child, for all we know, took a nice dab of blue paint and marked it on both their faces...)

Not sure what to make of all this innovation. Technology is changing. And we, with it. Of that, I am sure.

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2011: Being myself.

When I was in school, I wanted to be like Radha Lakshmi, sometimes like this other girl Usha-something. At Bits, I wanted to be like other girls I saw -- mainly the confident ones who probably were just like me but just me minus the lack of confidence. And I am now a mom and I still wish to be like other women sometimes. Some, because I think they are just cooler and more fun to hang out with, some for their fearlessness, some for their ability to gel with all kinds of people, some for their accomplishments. But, the more I achieve, the more I want to be these other people and that doesn't give me a break. I don't look back and give myself a pat on the back ever for anything. It's always, now that that's over, what next? I didn't congratulate myself even for the home birthing attempt and tough stint at the hospital for r~. Only, when I saw the note that k had sent me, several days later, did I realize that it had been a difficult time, it was okay to acknowledge that for a second and not worry about the baby and, I had actually done a pretty good job bringing r~ into this world :p

Anyhow, 2011 is going to be me being myself. I am going (to try) to be myself and appreciate what I am and what I have. 2012 can be about being a better mom, better dancer, better wife, better blogger :p 2011 is just going to be to breathe deeply and stay still and be me. The closet is organized, the toys are picked up (or maybe not), the laundry can stay awhile in the washer but it's ok to sit back and watch "Outsourced" :) Really, it is. The show is fun and I deserve the break just for being myself.

Bring on 2011 and let me be me, for a change!

Happy new year to you all! Peace and Love.

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"Amma happy"

I have my share of raising-a-toddler-trials-and-tribulations to share but I am beginning to reconsider my original thoughts on raising a 2 year old. As days pass, she does so many astonishing things that they well beat the "trying" part of parenting (By "trying", I mean, the insistence on subsisting on nothing but cakes, popsicles and cheese; refusing to wear short sleeved t-shirts, sleeve-less t-shirts, shorts, the cutest skirts thereby rendering 3 whole shelves of her clothing obsolete; saying "Nathi", "Illa [Iyyya]", "No" about 36 times a day -- 36 times for each language...and more recently, "Naan thoongayen, enna diturb pannada pappa" -- I am sleeping, don't disturb pappa!)

The biggest thrill for me is the ability to meaningfully communicate with her (Like today morning, she woke up, smiled at me and said, "Amma nee azhaga iyuke"). The other day I told her I was feeling sad and she said "B~ maama edho sollitta" (B maama said something...), B maama being my manager! A week earlier I had told her if I didn't finish my office work, B maama will be angry with me! And the fact that she made the connection and assumed I was sad because B maama said something was pretty cool! When she just started stringing words together, she once stopped mid-walk (we were strolling around the house), drew a little air circle around my face and said, "Amma happy"...that was the highlight of the day for me!

The ability to express herself also means she now can clearly state what she wants and why and why nothing else will do. When she was younger, I used to ask her "Cake or pasta", "yellow or blue" knowing she will always pick the second option. Sadly, that is no longer a trick she falls for. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

I particularly like this phase because she is fascinated by stories! Stories from books and stories I make up. Her eyes grow wide and you can see the wonder in them, that the world is so full of brilliant stories to be discovered...you almost want to be her and listen to those stories the very first time so you can experience that feeling!

Oh and she can sing songs now...which means k and I get to pick our favorite movie songs and play them to her and she can actually sing them back to us (Ok, that is not exactly an educational moment but it has its merits such as playing her favorite song on youtube so some form of food can find its way into her mouth!)

It's almost like they have turned into real, little people who can tell us how things should be done instead of us always telling them what to do! And they are at an age where the magic still exists -- she really thinks we can heal with a kiss and God actually said thank you when she gave God the raisins, that there is a little butterfly baby that is waiting forever on our kitchen window, that the night lights become too hot and hence have to be turned off at night, that every morning the Sooooyiyan (Sooriyan -- Sun) has come to wish her Good morning, that Avvaiyaar paati is still making dosas on the moon...

Ah...to just believe in magic and tales. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

And here she is singing ♫"Lakde ki Kaati"♫

[Listen in Quicktime]

Current favorite book -- Bobo!

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Philately and stuff.

We all dabbled at philately when we were kids. A few years later, the stamp books were forgotten and we switched to the next hobby. I never though "adults" indulged much in hobbies at that time. Hobbies was something kids did for fun. Some times it turned out to be a life long passion and I would picture the intelligent looking gentleman in glasses and a brown beard showing off his exotic stamp collection to admiring oohs and aahs but I didn't think the normal folks did much hobby-wise -- they were too busy leading lives.

So, recently k told me about a book he had read on retirement (Yes, he has been obsessed with that for quite some time now) and he said the basic advice in the book was sure, retire early, go for that world tour and sign up for that salsa class but have a fall back -- something you are passionate about and have been doing on a regular basis, something you can continue to do even after you retire so you don't start feeling depressed with the void that the lack of a regular work routine creates and the kids have gone to colleges, so there is no day to day "busy-ness" to keep your mind occupied. I wondered if this is a desi phenomenon, the result of not having completely integrated into the culture and life here? Would this be the same if I retired in India? Somehow, I think with the people and the sounds and the general life there, one would not have to worry about a stifling, suffocating loneliness post retirement. I am guessing one wouldn't have to worry about driving to the grocery store in the middle of winter and navigating the store with a walking stick either. Kids do leave the nest there too but a middle income couple after retirement can afford to get some tasks done at least with paid help and mostly, the grocery store will have an in home delivery method that doesn't cost an arm and a leg (The last I knew, it was still free). Even if I do retire in Chennai (let's assume) and say my kids are elsewhere, the maid and the regular folks still come home and I still have basic human contact even on the days I feel too tired to visit someone's house. Here, perhaps I would live in a city where I have similar retired friends and unless we make an attempt to drive by their place and spend time with them, it's possible an entire day passes with no real people talking and no one for company but electronic devices and the hum of the AC and refrigerator. I guess, I am just painting an overly bleak picture but every time I see old people struggling in Kroger to carry and manage their bags, I wonder if I am heading there by choosing to live in this country (not that I have made that decision already...I dwell in hypotheticals, you must know that by now!)

And so coming back to the question of hobbies...I guess the book states that if we pursue a hobby of our choice and invest time in it, make connections, find like minded people, that will keep us going through retirement. And perhaps if a week has passed without a call from the kids, it still won't be that bad because we still have basic human contact and we can still spend time with people we like doing the things we like.

Is that why k has taken to running, I wonder? Me? I am going to stick to books and dancing for now. Hopefully they will tide me through our lonely retirement but who knows, maybe I will be in India by then and just wishing for some quiet and peace asking myself why it feels like I am working even when I am supposed to be leading a leisurely, retired life!

Edited: I meant to pen this earlier but got distracted with other thoughts. I think the support system for desis in this country makes it harder to follow up on and be passionate about our hobbies. Given our Indian style of parenting where the kids are not exactly tucked in by 8.30 PM and you  have the rest of the night to relax, even finding little chunks of time where you can concentrate on your hobby becomes a challenge. And for every such chunk of time you find to focus on your hobby, it also means time away from your spouse whom you think you might not recognize in a crowd(:p) thanks to hardly any time spent talking/alone with him. The few free moments we get are spent discussing the baby or house chores. It's hard for a couple to find that one single hobby to spend time on together. Add it all together and you basically have chopped away at your quality time with your spouse for the sake of your hobby. So Saturday mornings find me alone with the baby when he is running or him alone with the baby when I am dancing and that's the price we pay for our hobbies. Somehow, I think it will be easier if we had close family we could leave our child with for those few hours or at least close family we can hang out with, with the baby, because the loneliest part of taking care of a child is the lack of adult company -- we all know that! And yes, we can hire a baby-sitter but I am not sold on the merits of that idea (yet). Where does all this leave us? With a happy toddler and zero date nights and our somewhat ignored hobbies :-)

Ok, I know this is a random post but managing toddlers means having no time to nicely organize your thoughts in little compartments and then express them (Time kidacha eduthuko illati aduvum illa!) -- so do expect more randomness from me.

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Quality waste-of-time!

k and I are a perfect match when it comes to the matter of hanging out with folks (Y'all may notice I don't use the word perfect loosely especially when it comes to marriage stuff. Prefer to let other couples vie for the perfect couple spot; too much pressure to be one! Also, how will r~ learn the tricky art of mule-headed arguments unless we lead by practice? :p) So anyway, k and I are the kind of couple that need about 32 seconds to make up our minds when someone calls us to hang out with them.

Them: "So you wanna' hang out?"
k: (holding receiver and looking at me): "What time can we feed r~ and have her ready?"
Me: "Gimme 10"
k: "We'll be there in 15."

So that's the amount of planning we do when someone calls us. What's the word am looking for? It's not "people's person" -- that's someone people want to spend time with not someone who wants to spend time with people almost always...that's the word that describes us.

I have noticed some folks tend to keep some occasions private: anniversaries, birthdays and so on. They do cool, romantic things, fly to exotic places and come back to share awesome pictures with us. Some couples stay home and take it easy and just celebrate quietly. We, on the other hand, strongly believe in the "the more the merrier" cliche'. if k or I can squeeze in 2 additional people to the party, we would do so even if we had to spend 30 minutes convincing them that our home was a really hep hangout place and we would ensure that they would stay entertained the entire duration of their stay.

So given that, we (I should probably start speaking in the singular; k can say what he thinks in his expired blog if he wants to) or I am constantly surprised when people chose to opt out. No, am not talking about you or you in particular. This is sort of a sum total of my observations based on my 10 year stay in Lex. So anyway, why do people say no when you call them to spend time with you? Let's analyze:

• They are booked for that time.
• They do not belong to the "Oh...we are one big set of friends" camp.
• They would rather go to the dentist (or as P~ would put it, "They don't like you, don't you get it? Duh!")
• They don't like your facebook updates.

So to summarize, those people who opt out of get-togethers baffle me (maybe they really don't like my updates)! Maybe they really have important things to do with their free time than chat with me about my facebook updates. No seriously, I always wonder what the driving factor is to refuse an opportunity to share some face to face personal time in this increasingly virtual world. I guess kids are a good reason to say no. If one is throwing up on your tshirt the moment the invitation comes along, I suppose there is a valid reason to hold your breath and say no and then get your kid to sit down in the bath tub when you give her a bath (Don't get me started on that!). Another good reason is playing hard to get but wait -- we are not in College anymore. Drat! And I thought I was on to a breakthrough there deciphering the forces behind people's choices. I, on the other hand, got myself up the world's fastest, highest, all-est wooden roller coaster and my limbs shook for 30 days after the event, because while I detested and still do detest roller-coasters, I went along for the big gang (Unfortunately, the 2 other girls in the gang wanted to try out all the number 5, hardest rides. Ugh). Basically, I believe in the power of numbers; show me a big gang and I'll tag along for the ride even if it is to, God-forbid, King's Island (k, if you are reading this post, no, it does not mean we can take r~ to Kings Island. No, you may not pay random people to tag along.) And in this respect, k is just the same. When we were students and had a lot more free time, he would constantly look for excuses to call people home: we have thrown graduation parties, got-a-job parties, got-hitched parties, star-at-home parties (When Crazy Mohan and YGM were home), dal-bhati parties, golu get-togethers, New year's parties, birthday parties...you get the idea.

I suspect though that we are entering a time where we are so restless, constantly multi-tasking that the days of leisurely banter and "time pass" are behind us. We catch up online and are so caught up in our lives that we forget to leave some time out for wasting. Oh no, not to say I have mastered the art of zen living but am just throwing this out there and reaching random conclusions (because if you can't reach random conclusions on your blog, where can you?)


You know how in School, there's always this girl pleading with another girl to come...somewhere to do something, "Vaaayen! Nee vaaayen!" I suppose I am that girl now. I often wonder why I prefer to have a gathering whenever possible. Do I like the sound of conversation? Do I like the idea that I have a whole bunch of friends around me and that feels good? Am I bored too hang out with just k and to be fair to k, is he bored to hang out with just me and therefore we feel the need to invite 6 other people to dissipate it? Of course we have r~ now and she keeps us more occupied than 10 people can but even now, I prefer a gang to alone time. As one of my friends put it tongue-in-cheek, "As RS would say -- Let's get together and have some fun!"

Yes, RS would say that. And I guess that's just in my genes. Gotta remember to ask mom and dad if they were like that (Based on what I know, that is true) too.

Although sometimes, I think I go out of my way to spend time with people leading to situations such as:

"Hey, am going to get my eyebrows waxed, do you want to come along and share the joy of beauty?"

"Hey, taking r~ to the doc, wanna call it a play date and also grab a coffee with a screaming kid at Starbucks?"

I have always fantasized about living in the same town with the perfect set of people to hang out with. The kind of people who jump at the opportunity to make pots and paint them with you for example. Or eat at that tacky Indian restaurant that served GulabJamoons along with the plastic wrappers, warmed to perfection that other day. Or watch that Hindi movie that has the horrendous reviews just for the heck of it. Or waste a quality 60 minutes in your company.

Now, wouldn't that be something?

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Me, me, me.

I suppose this post should come with a disclaimer of some sort so it seems acceptable to all people but I am going to skip the formalities because...ah well, I just can't be bothered. My pollen infested allergy-eyes can barely see the main content leave alone peripheral niceties.

So, I suppose I am still a new comer to this country and in a way, I am still learning the workings of the society and the way the system works here. One small aspect of the whole culture here that I am still getting used to is American weddings. Like George Lopez says to his wife, "Face it. This is not about you!" when he tries to calm an anxious bride whose wedding he is planning ("You are the most beautiful bride I have seen!"). I guess that lady in that episode (She is that famous desperate housewives babe whose name I can't recall) is who I am writing about today.

Yes, the day has to be perfect. Yes, it's magical and a match made in heaven no doubt. But really, to what extent should this blessed day be morphed to match an imagined, perfect wedding day, roses and doves and all?

I guess it strikes me as strange partly because of my background as an Indian. Our weddings are mostly about our parents. Friends and relatives of our parents throng our weddings while our parents stand proudly next to us and introduce countless faces that blur in front of our eyes (The sweat that pours from our over made up foreheads because of the glaring bright spot lights on us as we stand on the stage could be part of the issue). It is a big day for them. We, the bride and the groom are the cynosure of all eyes but in all, it is a bigger day for our parents.

Compared to that, here the day is about the bride and the groom only and mostly about the bride only. The focus is on love and romance and it should be but it also is on what one woman considers her dream day should be like. Down to the colors that border the trim of the bridesmaid's dress. It becomes more about the dress and the decorations and everything material...and how much a planner can match these expectations.

I guess I don't really have that much insight into an American wedding up, close and personal but at least that's what I see from popular television here. I guess in a way it's fun for the bride. It's the day she's dreamed of since she was a little kid (I guess Indian girls dream of getting into IIT when they're 5 :p)...but something strikes me as just off with this setting. Blame it on my brown upbringing...but I tell it like I see it, I guess.

Maybe I am just jealous because I didn't get a day of my own that I could construct bit by bit and watch unfold on D day (I doubt it)...but, who knows? There's more I want to say about this but can't sit out here any more...be back when the season changes. Accchhhhhooo!

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Thoughts on being a mom -- 1 year later.

I should have gotten around to this long back, 8 months back but better now than when r~ turns 2 -- then I would have to club together the first two years :p

She is taking a nap now, so I am going to write in short bursts, so I can just publish if I have to rush.

* I sometimes want to have another baby just to test out a parenting philosophy/theory (mine). I think this will work but she has already grown past the stage when I can try this out. So, now I have a theory and no baby to try it on!

* What seems like an insurmountable catastrophe today will be forgotten and filed under "Oh yeah, she did do that...almost forgot about it!" Like when she refused to get on the high chair, a car seat, her stroller and I figured I was so terribly wrong with my parenting style that I have a baby that just won't be strapped in anywhere! That phase lasted a week and I turned a year older in that week.

* Frantic internet searches (by the parent, I mean) will not go away. They just make a category jump from infant to baby to toddler to kid to preteen to teen to daughter and so on.

* Cry it out, controller crying, rock it out, nurse it out, baby whispering...finally, believe it or not, she will sleep. 8 hours without waking in the night. Just not now or next year or the next or...

* Being a parent is like being one of those head-spinning robots. Your head is on straight and you are happy because she gave you a kiss and then it's on backwards and she is testing out your patience. And then it's turned sidewards and you can't really see clearly and you imagine things and some days, it goes spinning and spinning until you shut down and collapse.

* Yes, you try really hard to not say no to her. But 55 times a day is not that bad right?

* Yes, you will swear in front of your kid when you stub your toe and no, however hard you try, your mouth is going to fail you one day or another. Anyway she says, "Frog" like ****! Her nanny is trying to get her to say "Froggie" instead :p

* Yes, it would be an ideal world when you have a clone of you taking care of her while the you-you naps. I was reading this interesting book that said if you can't give your toddler something she really wants, at least give her an imaginary world where she gets what she wants and more. Trying the theory out on myself.

* I actually made the "A" with the boiled carrot and a swirl of sauce. She smiled and squished the carrots in the sauce and said, "Brooooooken!" Yup, TV during dinner time it is. Is good for the soul. Mine!

* I am so glad she gives me the opportunity to be proud several times a day. I don't give myself that opportunity because lately I haven't accomplished much (anything)! Like, the other day, she pointed to the flower in Wild Oats and said "Shun-ffowwer"! And when I said, "Please taa" as she licked her popsicle, she said, "Taya maatten!" and laughed!

* I am competing for the mom-who-read-maximum-baby-parenting-books competition. I believe the competition also has a facebook fan page. Do become a fan and vote for me when you get a chance. Also tweet, blog, stumbleupon and digg it :p

* I am going to be squint eyed soon. Judging from the number of times I try to keep track of r~ when I am trying to have a sensible conversation with a friend (and he keeps saying, "I have her". Somehow his "I have her" is different from mine!)

* I have a running commentary of what she is going to do next in my head. So when I am in the middle of something, I'll see her edge towards the ants and I already know what she is going to do next and so I shout out an abrupt "She's gonna do this next. Watch out!" and k always looks up slowly as if to determine if I am indeed the girl he married!)

* No, my life is really not split between the various roles I play after r~ was born -- mother, career woman and such. I have become just a mother who does other things now like working, cooking, writing, dancing...but I am a mother first and everything else is next. And that's the way it's gonna be.

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Love and love only.

He reaches for the book, she reaches for the same book and a million stories play out in the glances they steal; Love and love only is the book that marks the beginning of their love story in Kadalukku Mariyadai. I used to love this song (I still do...)


I saw a tweet about movies that moved me and I thought it was quite some time since I'd written about movies. So, while I wait for Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya to reach our little town, here is some silver-screen-reminiscing to keep me going :)

There was this scene in Anjali where Revathi confronts Raghuvaran about something -- The exact scene is a blur but the chemistry between them really worked. The movie in itself was not a love story but this scene stayed behind with me.

Of course, there is no one like Mani Ratnam to etch out love scenes and so we have:


I remember watching DDLJ seven times in the theatre -- a fact I have repeated ad nauseum in this space! I would sit running eyes and nose crying over poor Kajol crying her heart out for SRK. I loved the terrace and moonlit night scenes and the running into his arms in the field in a white dress was probably one of my favorite scenes in the movie. This movie is probably my all time favorite love story! Folks at home assumed I had lost it and was in one of my teenage phases post this movie :)



For some reason, I can't think of many recent movies that had that baam! impact as these older ones. That probably has also to do with the fact that I am no longer a dreamy eyed teenager looking for her one soul mate and so the movies fail to turn my thoughts upside down and feature in my dreams.

Recent movies are a mix of pastel shades for me: Wake up sid and the like. Not the shocking feast of colors that older movies paint. Hmm...I wonder why that is. But, I have to run now (Seems like I am writing most of my posts as a tumble of words without much thought to organization...Oh well, at least I am writing). More on the movie topic (but of course) later!

And my current obsession:

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About grass and India and women and the pursuit of happiness.

How much truth is there to the observation that the grass is greener on the other side? It's become one of those tired old cliches but what exactly is it supposed to mean? That no matter where you are in life, you want to be or do something the person across is doing? Is it just a cliche to hide petty jealousies and envies behind a thin veneer of words? Anyway, this week is ♪repetition vaaaaaram♪ as they would say on Sun TV and so I am going to type up my thoughts as quick as I can (Unfortunately, I do have some work that needs to be done today) before I head home.

So, I've heard of several theories that claim that choices inherently make a human being less happy. Simple choices, simple life, peace. By that definition America would be a very unhappy country but I'll put that thought in the back burner for now (As my English teacher at DAV used to say). Going by that logic, if I did not have a choice to come to America or a choice to go back to India now, would I be happier? Does that mean me would have been happier living in Des having never lived and experienced life in this country? Or would I be one of those folks who really wanted to come abroad but for some reason or just bad luck maybe could not? And then, would I be spending my days envying the greener grass on the other side?

And if I did not have a choice to return to dear old mera Bharath mahaan now, would I be happier because my life is lived here and can only be lived here (because of whatever reason)? Or would I then be cursing my luck for not having saved enough or worked hard enough to move back to India? Would I be envying those brave and fortunate people who actually crossed the seas back home? I can't say for sure because I am not in a position where the choice is not available for me.

This brings me to another question about us women. As a teenager, I was a little bit of a feminist in the sense that I viewed the hard life of women and the lack of recognition as a misery that they tolerated because they had no choice. But then, did they tolerate that life or were they happy living under a roof with their family able to cook and provide food for the umpteen mouths that needed to be fed? And the husband that needed to be appeased at the end of a hard day's work? Were they just happy that they had it in them to do so much -- cook, clean, birth, please day after day? Or did they see it as a drudgery that they had no escape from? Did the lack of choice make them happier than modern women? We keep coming across statistics that claim modern women make more money, have more freedom and yet are unhappier while the men folk have raced ahead in terms of happiness. Is this because we have so many choices in front of us -- work/stay at home, provide outside care for your child/care for your child at home or even the basic cook/take out? I guess for women of the previous generation -- providing outside care for kids, working outside the house, ordering take outs were not an option, were they? They did their jobs and at the end of the day, snored their way into the next chore-filled morning. But, what went on in their heads? Just thoughts about how to manage the children and their school work and house hold chores and finance? Or did they dream of some version of me-time too? :)

It's hard to generalize and banish choices as evil. Sometimes choices rock -- Hersheys Bliss white chocolate or Lindt white chocolate? (Provided you are not thinking, exercise to lose the extra pounds or just pack them on and give up the slim-wicked-mom-figure ideal)...

So, if it's all in the mind and it's all about choices, can anyone be happy pretending their life was the one choice they had and they better work at it and make it the best one they had? You know, how you keep hearing about people who survived accidents or were laid off and the shock jolted them towards what they really wanted in their lives? Perhaps if we are clever enough, we can sort of do the jolting without the precursor. Just put our minds on time-out and ask them to sort the mess inside them asap -- basically, Quit crapping and go get a life, willya?!

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Little RS.

What is the deal with my memory? The only solid memory I have of my early childhood (defined as 0-5 years) is my Tamil teacher at Bain school holding my notebook up to the class, "Enna muthu mutha ezhudirukaa parunga!" (Handwriting like neat pearls...) and then behind the notebook she gives me one of her trademark looks and whispers, "Note cover podu!" (Wrap your notebook with cover! You know...that brown paper cover and label?)

And that's it -- the sum total of my earlier memories. What is wrong with me?!!!! My bro, L~ can remember what he cooed when he was 6 months old (Ok, that's an exaggeration but really he remembers EVERYTHING!), my mom remembers stuff clearly from when she was five years old, dad remembers swimming in the village pond and all that good stuff from his childhood. Why am I the odd one out?

I wonder if it's like some sort of weird first child genetic defect but that theory fails since my eldest perimma has an awesome memory too. I don't really know if my dad's elder brother has a good memory but I am willing to bet he does and anyway this genetic stuff comes from the mom's side mostly right (You gotta assume some stuff to prove a theory!)?

My next memory is of being extremely traumatized when we shifted to Bangalore. I would cry for days looking at the Kannada speaking newscaster and miss our dear old Shobana Ravi. I remember this really old Kannada cook/maid we had who was there more for company than any real work! I remember my cousins turning up at B'lore to spend the summer vacation with us.

And then my next memory is my Kannada teacher "helping me out" in a class test which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and she helped me out because she is also my tuition teacher. She taught her son and me together. That was when I was say 10 years old.

I remember feeling thrilled when dad announced we would be moving back to Madras! I remember mom helping me out with my Tamil Bharatiyar essay (I insisted on taking Tamil as my third language) and I remember I came first in Tamil -- yay!

So anyway, back to the original topic -- what is the deal with my head? Where are all the older thoughts and images? Is my head doing some sanity garbage collecting stuff to prevent overloading? Maybe I am thinking too many thoughts and there's only so much your brain can hold alongside memories. Do thoughts and memories actually compete for brain space? Maybe all that theory about us using like a 0.00056 % of our actual brain capacity is not applicable in my case -- where #thoughts increase exponentially with time. In any case, I am quite upset about the whole deal. It's like I lived a whole life, ok a whole 10-15% of my life without my knowledge. Was I a happy child? Who were the people around me? What actually happened?

So yeah. If you knew me when I was anywhere between 0 - 10, please do tell me. What was I like? Did I love popsicles just like r~? Was I mischievous? Charming? Obnoxious? Pretty? Mom tells me a bunch of stories about how I was as a kid but that's not really a first person account, you know? So, I reckon, if I get a sum-total of all my childhood stories from people, I can get an over-all picture of who I was as a little person.

For now, going to be in angst until next birth.

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