March 15, 2005


Restless - this word pretty much characterizes how I have been feeling the past couple of days. There is this lovely scene in Jerry Maguire where a guy mimes to his wife making a circle with his hands - "You complete me". In his view, his wife completed him, emotionally. I guess I already have a strong family-friend-fiance support base to complete me emotionally but am waiting for that one thing that will complete me creatively. To cut a long story short, I think I need to work towards finding my creative niche.

When I was in third grade, I started learning Bharathanatyam and was a student who picked up the dance very fast for the next four years. My family then shifted to Bangalore whereupon my tryst with dance ended. I am not sure if it is this small encounter from years back that has created this yearning within me or if its something more recent; but I do know I want to learn to dance. I took up swing dancing classes with k in an attempt to recreate the magic of my childhood dancing days. Swing dancing was fun, but it turned out to be a fair-weather friend and I bid farewell to it.

Then came my attempt to paint. I took up a class at Michael's, our friendly overpriced art-supplies store and tried my hand at painting. I must say, I was impressed with the results, my painting came out beautiful. I felt euphoric for some time, thinking I had found my long-last friend - I thought, painting, in lieu of dancing, would complete me. But, that was not to be. Michaels was not able to woo me a second time.

Then came the time when I was inseparable from my apron. I took cooking quite seriously for some time and pictured mouth-watering dishes that people would talk about and myself glowing at the adulation in my spotless kitchen. k wishes I had stood by this wont but I moved on.

I then pondered upon volunteering at my local Children's hospital but that has remained just a thought in my head, definitely something I want to do at some point in my life.

After many days of introspection and considerable encouragement from k, d and I started tca. Every time I involve myself in the organization's activities, I feel a fresh sense of satisfaction - it used to be an adrenanline pump when I saw what we had worked towards take a concrete shape in front of our eyes, now, its much more than that - almost a part of me. More than anything else that I accomplished in US, I think this assoc gives me a stronger sense of identity and makes me be less harsh on myself. I feel less restless and more at peace with myself now...but am still searching.

I dont know if this innate restlessness (thanks to my dad!) is something that I need to be thankful for, for it drives me on, searching for something more in my life or if I should just learn to be satisfied with what I do and with what I am. I am now vacillating between - learning to play the piano, dancing and writing (there's enough there for a whole new blog!). I dont know which of these acquaintances would be my soul-mate for life but I do know she is there somewhere and I will find her soon.

signed still-searching.

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