October 18, 2007

Weird post.

I feel weird. No, I mean I know I am weird (Gee, thanks!) but I feel weird today. You know the way you feel alone even in a crowd sometimes? Or the uneasy feeling in the stomach and heavy head when you drive to work having slept less than 7 hours the previous night? A kind of lonely stressed-need-zen feeling. As if not many people in this world have the time or inclination to actually "relate" to you and really, they don't care. Whatever is so important to you receives maybe a small nod of acknowledgment or a tiny pat from others, if you are lucky. Fair enough, everyone has their own life to lead. But isn't life mainly about men and women, about fights and laughter, tears and hugs? I somehow am not able to distance myself and my goals from the people around me.

I do care.

I just don't get the argument about "not caring what people think", how can I not care when the basis of my existence is these lives around me? What pleasure will an artist receive if he performs to an empty theater? How can applause and words of praise be separated from the sense of gratification he feels? Seriously, it's like turning back triumphantly after a strike and noticing that there is no one in the bowling alley to give you a high five. Remember that old saying about great minds that discuss ideas, ordinary minds, events and small minds, people? What if there were no other people, of what use are the ideas? ( Hmm, maybe the person who said it had something simple in mind like "Don't gossip" when he said "people" :p)

I wonder if I should experiment with a new "me", you know just glide along, tra-la-la...and be at peace, alone or in a crowd, just doing what I want to do, for myself. The new "I" would not be all emotional and dependent (reminds me of "How to lose a guy..." - clingy, needy, what was the third one? Whiny?) on people. I suppose, "I" would then like to ski down a mountain just for the thrill of it and I will possibly hang a photo of that on my wall just for myself (I don't really like to ski but what the hell, this is the new "I"), be chill when a friend forgets my birthday or another hasn't talked to me for ages, wouldn't really care if I haven't had a heart-to-heart talk in ages...

Blech. The new "Me/I" sucks.

Sigh. Some people are beyond repair.

Meanwhile, thank God for the blessed lady (arrived by courier from India yesterday!) who has come to stay with me - she gets to hear my retarded thoughts for now and you all also, many thanks for your patience :)


P B said...

new Ramya? no doesnt suggest that. Ennai yarum ematha mudiyadhu. :).

Parth said...

Change may be imminent in life, but difficult in personalities. Best is to stay who you are.

SK said...

:--) I have had the same problem, and I think I am half way through the transition

RS said...

pb - :)

parth - amen.

sk - When I saw you here, you were the same ole Karthik! :)

Anonymous said...

"I just don't get the argument about "not caring what people think""

Maybe its not about caring about all and sundry. Maybe those that matter to you the most. But then the people who matter dont care and those who care dont matter.

The gratification that an artist receives is only the gratification and pampering for his ego.
I believe the art should be a reward in itself. Something like what howard roark feels in "the fountainhead"

RS said...

Re: the artist and his ego - very true.

"I believe the art should be a reward in itself."

...but somehow, I find it hard to distinguish the part the art itself plays and the part that the response/compliments play...I suspect the art would lose some of its charm (to the artist) without the audience...

Anonymous said...

Its not just the ego alone too, all of us have this need to be appreciated, its just human.
So if an artist has a new form of music or dance or visual art and everyone hates it except the artist, should the artist ditch it and conform to what everyone thinks should be the way it should be done or the way everyone is conditioned as to what is "in" .
Maybe because some artists find art as a reward in itself , they are never appreciated in their time, but a couple of centuries after.

© Ramya Sethuraman, All Rights Reserved.