March 11, 2010

Restless spirit

I remember watching a movie a long time ago about this woman who moves because she gets restless in one place (Was it Chocolat?). I feel like that nowadays. I am trying to figure out if my life goes in circles alternating between at-peace and restless or if this feeling is genuine and I really need a change.

When I was at Bits, while I managed to have a wonderful time, at the back of my mind, I kept wishing for a transfer to the Computer Science stream. I would dream of it day in and day out, hoping I would earn a GPA high enough to transfer to it end of the first year. I had a pretty good GPA but not > 9.5 which was what was needed to transfer to Computer Science. I would look at my friends who had enrolled for the 5 year degree BSc + an engineering degree and wonder if I should have done the same because my GPA would have enabled me to do a 5 year course with Computer Science...anyway, that's all water under the bridge...

And finally, I did manage to get a Masters in that exact field and all the while stressed about getting a job. I wished to be confident like all those people who had an undergraduate degree also in the same field. Finally, the job arrived and then I started this whole nostalgia drama about returning to India.

And now, the latest to my list is to quit my job and become a stay at home mom. There. I have said it out aloud. That's what I want to do. But, I am just scared of the consequences of quitting. Also, at this point, I am not really certain of my reasons for wanting to quit. I just know they are many and they drop in for a tete-a-tete almost every day. To the point where I am sitting in a meeting and mentally going over a checklist of my reasons to quit and how we'll handle the financial side of it.

On one level, I do see the advantages of my position. I have a job that is relatively stress free and has many benefits but something doesn't feel right and am trying to place my finger on it. My motivation seems to have gone in for a late hibernation and I reckon it's not coming back any time soon. Also even if I do end up getting a super interesting assignment at work (which is certainly not the case now), do I want it? r~ seems to have entered an unbelievably cute phase and I really don't want to miss it -- we actually have conversations which is wonderful and makes my eyes well up with pride...I can't really tell until that actually happens and I have to spend extra hours at work, I guess.

So anyway, where does that leave me? k tells me I'll get bored at home. So, I asked him where I would find the time to get bored?! r~ should take care of that part for me.

Some people quietly argue in their heads and then confidently take a decision and make peace with it. I am not one of them. I ponder and rethink and analyze and ask and consult and then finally when everyone's done with it, I take the leap and hence this post.

For now, my mind is a mess of questions and...possibilities. The grass is oh-so-verdant now on the other side, I want to take the jump right now and live my life the way I want to! Gonna be logical about this and flip a coin soon as I go home.


Anonymous said...

Hi Ramya,

You remind me of me so much...that's why i read your blog, I guess...

I am only going to comment on the latest on your list, SAHM, as I have only now managed to successfully land in this dream job of mine-SAHM...

I hate to admit it openly and I won't to my husband, but after having gone thru a Job/work lifestyle (nearly 10 yrs including grad school etc) I do find it extremely tiring to look after both my daughter's AND my husband's needs all day.(cook, clean, potty train ( I feel like I live in toilets all day), clean, fight about napping and finally, put up a happy smiling face to my husband when he returns!!!)

It's not boring, but tiring to do all this work, all day,and by yourself, nice to have additional HELP!(Please)...About the cute phase...I have found that every phase was/is cute with my daughter...there was always a reason for me to be home coz she was in that phase...when she was 6 mos old she had teeth so she was cute, a year old i wanted to be home becoz she started babbling,and now my latest, she is 2.5 yrs old and she needs me ( my employer could'nt understand why )!!!

Anyway, like i said it was my dream job and i got it and i am still complaining, (but then i always complain)...The point i want to make is, do what you feel like doing, there may not be enough reason to support it, but I'm sure every experience will be worth it!

Good luck!

Sam said...

I am not sure if this helps. But an interesting article that is the same lines of thought. Might make you feel better.

appleofmyeye said...

Hey Ramya..

As Padma said..nothing is easy or the most perfect decision..

but my theory to the whole thing was and is - at least wrt the financial part: U can earn all this money and much much more later on.. but u wont get back this time..they grow up fast...n become independent..and then even if u want to quit then...she wont need u next to her all the time.. And Dharma's theory has always been - u will adapt to live with whatever u have...And truly- over the last 1 year...we haven;t made any sacrifices in our lifestyle and is exactly how it was we spend more for the kid-toys, books, clothes and have traveled (u spend double buying air tickets these days..) often!

And definitely SAHM is not an easy job.. u are working round the clock...which otherwise the parents/in-laws/baby-sitter would have done....and we wuld complain & find faults in their performance!!

But again..there is no right or wrong... It is what u wuld pick from a box of chocolates :)...

I would do as much as I want of one ...and move on when I feel like!


RS said...

Padma -- Thanks, every phase is cute, isn't it? Darn and I thought I'd not be in double minds about working after she crosses 2 :)

Sam -- So, where is the article? :)

V -- :) Makes sense.

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