Yesterday r~ and I went for a walk in the evening and while she chatted on about the sky and the moon and Avaiyar paati in the moon, I hugged myself bracing against the already chilly air and I guess against the winter to follow. The neatly lined cookie-cutter houses looked orderly, well-maintained yet distant. And that's the thing about this country. You can see the chandelier on inside the houses and the table already set for an early dinner but it's as if the house is bereft of conversation and sounds and people! An evening walk at this time in Madras would mean a friendly hi from at least our watchman and the few maamis rushing to the Krishnar temple right outside our house there...
I had this similar feeling of loneliness when I sat staring at the five huge suitcases that had to be unpacked. Suitcases filled with bits and pieces of home that I hoped would fill my house here with the same scents and colors that I had left behind in India. We have been busy socially the one weekend that we have spent since we came back, thanks to Navaratri Golu but what now? It's as if this indescribable aura is all around us, when r~ says "Ellayum Indiala irukaa" or mentions people back home or when k is away for an evening, this aura pervades our house, shooting questions at me, "Is it really worth all the trouble?" But then, I could just be consumed by a sense of nostalgia and homesickness and attributing every small annoyance to the fact that this is not India. I would probably be fine in a few weeks when things have fallen back into a predictable routine here...I just don't know yet. All I know is, the evening when k had a bowling game was well on its way to being a pretty boring evening for me until I decided I needed to head out of the house and search for some people to talk to! So, I did that. Packed r~ in her cute blue sweater and went to drop by the Indian family's house that's just a few houses away from mine. After spending an hour there catching up with that maami, I felt better and headed back home feeling not so distraught.
I feel like k and I are picking up on small things to fight about because we are still fighting to settle back in this country after a supremely satisfying vacation in India. And as my dad predicted, r~ bravely adapted to the country change and is busy running about doing what she considers is her business for the day :) Although, I can tell she realizes more than she lets on -- she acts so excited and happy when people drop by home here, I can tell she wants the attention she had back...
So while I deal with the change and I guess myself, expect similar themed posts and feel free to speak your mind!
October 20, 2010
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9 comments:
relax and have fun for the day.When time comes, things will settle down including r2i and lil r culture assimilation.
In a month's time, this will go away. The feeling of immediacy is what is getting to you. That being said, this is a good time as any to do the r2i introspection and take a hard stance on it.
This is seriously one depressing post.. yet so familiar. There is something very sad about the suitcases filled with stuff from back home - snacks and clothes and the very smell.. I really hate unpacking. I'm sorry you are feeling blue.
You want the best of both worlds. Never going to happen. (unless you are super rich, of course).
anon -- thanks :)
parth -- I hope so. Once I get back to the Lex way of things, it will go back to being a sweet thought that I should get back to some day...if it doesn't, probably means I shd seriously think about r2i.
Inji -- Seriously. It's always fun to do the packing because you are all excited and waiting to go back...
anon -- aaah, how true. That's what am going to aim for then :p
Anon:
Oh yeah..ask every rich in this workd if they are happy. Rich are the most worried ones.
PB
PB- Who said anything about happiness? Some people are not happy by nature. They will continue to be unhappy even when they get the best of both worlds or a multitude of worlds.. they just need reasons to complain. On the other hand, some people are inherently happy even when life throws challenges at them, are not completely self involved and empathize with people less fortunate than them and think it is possible to lead a simple life (without comparing their social status with that of other people, not wanting assets, luxury etc. Erdos could fit all his worldly belongings into a single suitcase!). It's all about your philosophy towards life.
What I meant was- being super rich gives you a little more leeway as far as impulsive decisions are concerned (like leaving for India at a moment's notice), without worrying for your future or compromising on lifestyle.
Anon:
I totally agree with whatever you said.
PB
Interesting...reminds me of a funny line I read in the book by Meenakshi Madhavan (Compulsive confessor)...something about how there are times when she really feels bad for the beggar in another part of the world who doesn't have enough to eat but today her boyfriend dumped her and can she feel bad for herself, thank you? Without having to compare herself to that beggar all the time and hence never giving herself permission to feel bad... :)
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