Restless spirit

I remember watching a movie a long time ago about this woman who moves because she gets restless in one place (Was it Chocolat?). I feel like that nowadays. I am trying to figure out if my life goes in circles alternating between at-peace and restless or if this feeling is genuine and I really need a change.

When I was at Bits, while I managed to have a wonderful time, at the back of my mind, I kept wishing for a transfer to the Computer Science stream. I would dream of it day in and day out, hoping I would earn a GPA high enough to transfer to it end of the first year. I had a pretty good GPA but not > 9.5 which was what was needed to transfer to Computer Science. I would look at my friends who had enrolled for the 5 year degree BSc + an engineering degree and wonder if I should have done the same because my GPA would have enabled me to do a 5 year course with Computer Science...anyway, that's all water under the bridge...

And finally, I did manage to get a Masters in that exact field and all the while stressed about getting a job. I wished to be confident like all those people who had an undergraduate degree also in the same field. Finally, the job arrived and then I started this whole nostalgia drama about returning to India.

And now, the latest to my list is to quit my job and become a stay at home mom. There. I have said it out aloud. That's what I want to do. But, I am just scared of the consequences of quitting. Also, at this point, I am not really certain of my reasons for wanting to quit. I just know they are many and they drop in for a tete-a-tete almost every day. To the point where I am sitting in a meeting and mentally going over a checklist of my reasons to quit and how we'll handle the financial side of it.

On one level, I do see the advantages of my position. I have a job that is relatively stress free and has many benefits but something doesn't feel right and am trying to place my finger on it. My motivation seems to have gone in for a late hibernation and I reckon it's not coming back any time soon. Also even if I do end up getting a super interesting assignment at work (which is certainly not the case now), do I want it? r~ seems to have entered an unbelievably cute phase and I really don't want to miss it -- we actually have conversations which is wonderful and makes my eyes well up with pride...I can't really tell until that actually happens and I have to spend extra hours at work, I guess.

So anyway, where does that leave me? k tells me I'll get bored at home. So, I asked him where I would find the time to get bored?! r~ should take care of that part for me.

Some people quietly argue in their heads and then confidently take a decision and make peace with it. I am not one of them. I ponder and rethink and analyze and ask and consult and then finally when everyone's done with it, I take the leap and hence this post.

For now, my mind is a mess of questions and...possibilities. The grass is oh-so-verdant now on the other side, I want to take the jump right now and live my life the way I want to! Gonna be logical about this and flip a coin soon as I go home.

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