After a couple of years, I decided to tag along with k and r~ to Sagar India Market to buy Indian groceries. Nothing much had changed but I did find this extremely inviting package of Amul butter beckoning to me from behind the frosty freezer door. Today, I unwrapped the package and took a big chunk of butter which I confess I ate "apadiye" (Was it the horlicks ad that went, "Appadiye saapiduven"?), no bread, no crackers, just utterly, butterly delicious Amul butter. It was all that it promised to be!
Not that I needed an excuse or anything but then I started thinking of India. The other day, I was talking to k about my evergreen topic, India vs America, the one that my dad and I always end with, "Ok, let's agree to disagree on this". I told k that somewhere in the back of my mind, there is always this thin veil of insecurity that reminds me that am not in my home country. I love America and am grateful for the life we have here, but am certain somewhere not easily accessible is this little anxious voice that cautions me to be careful and I think that voice will not be quietened by a green card or a citizenship card. That voice is here to stay.
Maybe, it's because the life we have here is what we built from scratch. Aside from a handful of close friends and a wider circle of just friends, we don't have a solid base with close people milling around us to help us if we need help. Our foundation is still new, stable but new. Maybe r~ would feel otherwise because we would have built the base on which she will build her life. She has a backup. What do we have? There are channels here, "aid" available if needed, organized care but it is not personal, it is...indifferent and that worries me.
Life throws many curve balls at us and I guess, I am trying to handle one now that has me wondering if r2i is the only sane, only safe decision there is for us. But, I guess I have gone through pretty momentous occasions here in this country and am stronger for each experience and a bit more confident. So, maybe life here is worth a shot and is the right way to go...who knows?
There is a reason for everything and I bet there is an overwhelming reason for my choice. I just have to figure it out.
4 comments:
It gets tougher, doesn't it? Now we have kids and are more deeply entrenched. As predicted in all late-night desi gatherings.
Hey just cheer up with this amul hits ---hoardings placed at Mumbai
http://www.amul.com/hits.html
Your concern is voiced by many first generation immigrants. My question is this- Do you reach out and offer help to others (close friends or otherwise) the way you hope to receive it?
I'm not suggesting that you're not a good friend... Rather, this is a question I've asked myself when weekends go by without a ring on my cell phone or an e-mail in my inbox.
We all resort to complaining about how hectic life is or how impersonal our interactions have become. The fact remains... it takes conscious effort to sustain meaningful relationships. That's why this year's resolution is to take my own advice: pick up the phone and call a friend! :)
Parth - Tell me about it!
Anon - :-)
Pooja - Nicely put. Somehow I doubt a phonecall every weekend will solve the problem. My nagging worry is with the lifestyle here; assuming I do stay in touch with friends and their lives...will I be able to sit with them in the hospital on weekdays if need be? Will they do it for me? For how many days? Maybe I am seeing a romanticized India in mind but I am talking about the maama maamis who manage to give us company during trying times...how the house is never empty...will that ever happen here? With double income folks and kids in day care? Who has the time?
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