I wish I could write poems,
two lines to talk about you and me?
If I could only sing,
a song that's ours even when there's no us?
A rough sketch on a panel to remind me of your smile?
But, my hands remain still, the panel blank...
I thought our goodbye would be more than sad smiles and tear-filled eyes,
more than a firm hand-shake and a quick "Good bye".
Did I see it in a movie?
The long-drawn embrace and my face buried in your shoulders?
A smoke-filled reality that never was?
How then can I remember you? Your silly grins, your crooked nose,
your unkempt locks, falling over laughing eyes?
Perhaps, I will.
Now and then, when I close my eyes, or look into the distance.
Perhaps, I'll still hear you talk and laugh.
Now and then, when I sit in silence, or moments before I sleep.
I wish I didn't. But, I do. I do remember you.
S~ suggested "Memory", I initially called it "Old times", maybe I should call it "You"...have no idea what to call it now or if it's even worth searching for the right title...wrote it as I thought of friends who have left, romance somehow found it's way in; I am cursed, I can't write without my writing heavily doused in romance...oh well, whatever.
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6 comments:
The character of the poem is suffused with the easy conversational style that it is written in. While that is the poem's merit, it unfortunately in this case at least, prevents the poem from being more than it presently is. A little nip and tuck, sweat and blood is called for; that might help in firmly establishing the prosody too. The poetic content of course is ensconced in the expressed emotion - the sweet sorrow of parting. Best not to lose that, the world could do with a few more (hopeless) romantics. Poems are a little more than sentiments scribbled on a piece of paper and read aloud in front of an audience the moment that is done though - but I am sure your English professor told you that as well! AND:
(1) L - 6,14,16,28 ~ unnecessary commas.
(2)L-8 "Goodbye" ~ one word.
(3) L- 12 "grin" not "grins" methinks.
(4) L-13 ~ replace "locks", too pompous here.
Hope some of the above is useful.
Touching ! :)
e - I actually had to look up "prosody" :) Thanks for the feedback, will help me when I get sentimental again and scribble yet another "attempt at poetry" in this space.
dinesh - :) You know what? It's a lot harder to describe the lump in the throat and vague uneasiness I feel when I lose friends than to jazz what I write with tears and hugs and love...somehow easier to do the latter - more concrete - well-defined emotions I can grasp and pen down although they may not be "real", if you know what I mean...(seems like a continuation of our chat :p)
>>If I could only sing,
a song that's ours even when there's no us?
>>I wish I didn't. But, I do. I do remember you.
kalaasal stuff..
btw you are not cursed. you are blessed with you know what :)
mosakutti - thats such a cool name for your blog. i remember one of my neighbour uncles used to call us all that...'enna da mosakuttigala...vanduttengala...'
p~k - :)) Thanks!
dharma... - :)
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